...
I think I'm going to put on this hippie mystical stuff and get in bed, for cosmic dreams....
I don't know if it's the right juju, but even if it is, I think yer spozed to do it with headphones—go for total immersion—before this has any effect helping your brains just let go of all the crap.
I try to think of ways to say it that will make music... make bells ring. I try to hark back to the time when I was most aware of how I got from the ignominious A to the vaunted B and it was of the character of shooing myself away... sort of like my brains had arms and hands and so did all my nerve endings... that all these unspeakably many clutching implements just waved it off in unison. It's really hard to make such an orchestral move sound utterly unplanned, almost glib, dismissive without any baggage whatever. It was a gesture. A bit of truth that just flew up from the center of my galaxy and all my arms and hands just waved me off in one puff of plasma, poof.
Maybe I was all this stuff that defies gravity and so releasing it all made no crash. It all flew up. It had been something like a swarm of bees the day before, but on this day it was more like birds all flying off, or like lots of helium balloons doing what helium balloons do when you let go of them.
I have to be careful about the term "let go". It's too trite. People think it means relaxation or giving in to a debauch. Waving. Shooing. Switching from the grip to waving it off to attend to something deeply absorbing. You don't waste time on the specifics, the negatives of holding up the world, or the fears of not holding it up. None of that. It's just, suddenly, all that is beyond beside your point and you do have something more interesting to attend to.
I finally listened to enough Kavassilas interviews last night. And I think he's just stumbled upon some outline from some Buddhist scholar and tried to make his concepts sound like New Age versions of it. I think listening to him would help a lot of really confused ninnies with their hearts in the right place, but not for more serious people. I heard him pumping Kerry Cassidy with so much FLATTERING BLATHER she about stripped on the floor in front of him and, well, let's say he failed the extra communication thing he says inheres everything he says. I can see him pumping her full of shit to get past her, but if he's pumping everyone else full of that at the same time, that's telling me he doesn't know. He just wants to help and can pretend he knows if he never invokes the teachings of anyone more credible than space aliens.
There's just too much lying in it. He could say misleading things to insert true things in the unsuspecting. He could do that all he wants and not be a liar, but, unless I'm just too damn thick to see all the way into it, which could be, there's too much lying in his story. And almost nobody gets it about light.
I decided not to explain that part anymore because I can see the masses have taken some other important words and concepts associated with actual enlightening and abused them out of all hope of helping. I'm not going to email him to tune him up. I'm just going to leave it for now at this... that he's good for anyone becoming oppressed in lala land, going to be holding out a stick for anyone starting to drown in that goo pit... but only just... only going to help them clear their heads a little. If they keep listening after that, karma is going to decide everything thereafter.
Anyway, it's not what you think of as momentous. It's not ecstatic. All the bliss stuff comes in only after you've fucked it up. It's huge, but your very appreciation of that makes the experience smaller. Even so, after it, everything goes wrong. The people around you start acting funny. Stop acting like friends anymore. You find you can't incorporate this into your relations like you have everything else in your life. You find the real threat that you are at some point not going to be able to save yourself because it's more important to you to save someone else. Everything shifts. You are not an instant master, and you find you can't deal with anything like you did before.
However long you go about trying, that's how much longer you suffer.
I think it's really time for me to completely stop that, even if I'm afraid for myself to do it. It doesn't work. It just hurts. It just turns negative. It just wastes hearts, wastes time....
...
Apropos of nothing particularly, I just want to point out that you used to end up in pissing yourself in a slimy gutter if you did drugs. Now you turn into a ZOMBIE.
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