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I know it gets repetitive as heck, but he really is groping around for ways to help people's heads outta prison, so he's worth our time.
I wish I could load this sort of stuff onto an iPod or something and bolt the earphones to my mother's ears. I mean, I know she's eighty and so it's pointless, but sometimes I just think ONE good hard epiphany in her cement mixer would set the whole world free. Irrational. Irrational. I know. And, obviously, I don't have a lot of juice behind it, but, truly, truly, world, my mother is astonishing. Jaw dropping, actually. I don't think anyone would believe she gave birth to me if she didn't confirm it.
In fact, I've wondered if she hasn't been lying about that... or deceived somehow about that. She's just the person to confuse herself she gave birth to someone she didn't. You'd never know by her. There isn't a lie detector imaginable that could read her. Honestly. It's breathtaking. She makes stuff up and, pft, it's immediately completely so. A battalion of stormtroopers could be bearing down on her and she'd disappear them with the totality of her denial.
She has taken it into her head that she is saving me from internet poisoning with this you-don't-love-me-if-you-won't-sit-in-front-of-this-booming-boob-tube-with-me. Can't talk about politics. Can't talk about the world. Can't talk about history. Can't talk about physics. Can't talk about truth. Can't talk about healthy food or vitamins. Can't talk about movies if they weren't released in the 40s or about horses. Can't have a conversation about anything even partially engaging or she starts flapping her hands and saying, "I don't want to talk about that stuff."
We can talk about the vexing condition of her unmanicurable lawn. We can talk about browbeating the neighbors into trimming their trees neatly. We can talk about her adventures in filling potholes in the road. We can talk about anyone in Rotary. We can talk about any racehorse. We can try to remember the names of people we knew decades ago. We can talk about her pets. We can talk about fat people losing hundreds of pounds. We can talk about the bartenders and waitpersons at her favorite restaurant. That's it.
I can do this. I can do this....
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EXTRA CREDIT....
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